I’ve just started working on a new fiction project and I tend to get very introspective when I’m working on fiction. Plus I’m reading Jenny Lawson’s new book (read it!) which is about her battle with depression and anxiety (among other things). And that has upped both the introspectiveness and my own brand of crazy. And…I was totally going somewhere with this. Sorry. I got a little lost.

Oh! Yeah. My point is, life is weird. In the past 4 months I’ve sort of had that point driven home for me.

In July I discovered that I have crybaby kidneys that like making stones. My left kidney (who is so the worst one of the two, the brat) tossed out a monster stone and sent me to the emergency room. What’s weird is that in all of my 38 years on this planet, that was my first ER visit. I am both frighteningly clumsy and wildly reckless so the fact that it was a kidney that sent me to the ER and not my own shenanigans just strikes me as so strange. I mean, y’all, I dropped a huge ladder on my own head and gave myself a concussion once. No ER visit. I had a horse fall down and roll over me. Totally walked away without a scratch. I have clearly had the best guardian angel my whole life. I guess the kidney stone thing just had him (or her) throwing up his (or her) hands saying “That’s it! I am out. You’re too much trouble.” I must have a new one though because last month I slipped and nearly cut off my finger with a utility knife.

This totally should have been an ER visit, but I had butterfly bandages and vet wrap so I fixed it.

I realized, later, that when they gave me dilaudid for the kidney stone pain that, in that moment, I was pain free for the first time in 10+ years. I totally asked the nurse, while I was high on wonderful, wonderful pain meds, if I could come by once a month for painkillers and a really good nap. My mom told me that I sounded like a druggie and I told her that I totally got that whole getting addicted to drug things because I felt awesome. The nurse looked at us both like we were crazy and left. I still look back at that ER visit as the worst pain of my life, closely followed by my first pain free moments in ever. So that’s weird too.

Right before my left kidney tried to kill me I found a tiny starving kitten. I’d intended to feed him and find him a home once he was healthy. Then while I was in the hospital my dog fell in love with him and so now my dog has his own cat. And the cat, get this, needs braces. Okay, not braces like people get, but that would be funny. He has an overbite (that’s adorable) which makes his bottom two canine teeth hit the roof of his mouth. My vet says it will cause him tons of pain as his adult teeth come in so next week he’s getting dental work. I think my dog should be on the hook for the bill but he’s all “I’m a dog, woman” so I’ve got to pay for it. So that’s weird.

They’re adorable. That’s their saving grace most days.

So since the end of June I’ve threatened to ground my left kidney, saved a kitten for my dog, found out that the kitten needs braces (which is only fitting since he now acts like a punk teenager), and seriously considered becoming a druggie.*

Fact: A sonic screwdriver will not fix a cat’s overbite. I totally tried.

Lots of other things have happened too but these were the one that, looking back, seemed the most….entertaining. I hope your lives have been weird too. The weird stuff always makes for the best stories. Remind me sometime to tell you about my possibly immortal three-legged goat. Now he’s weird.

~Elise

*I’m only half kidding about this. Ask someone who lives with chronic pain what they’d do to have even a hour that was totally pain free. (I’ll wait.) Hint: The answer is ANYTHING.