I’ve been feeling rather broken lately.
It’s been a year since my dad’s heart surgery. The one he didn’t survive. I miss him so very much. All those old emotions and stressors and everything keeps slipping back into me. I’ve tried to leave them in the past – that’s where they belong. But grief is sneaky like that. It’s never really gone. You just make room for it inside of you and try to hang on when it tries to drown you again.
Things are rather…rough at my day job. God is closing the door on that part of my life. I’m trying to shift into new things, new ways to pay the bills, new ways to feel fulfilled. Right now though it feels like I’m stuck in some weird vacuum with a closed door behind me a closed door in front of me, waiting for one of them to open. I know it will happen I’m just scared. Scared I’ll end up in another job with no future slowly hating every work day. Scared the other things I’m trying to build will fail and I’ll be broke and jobless. Just plain scared.
I’ve found myself getting cross with people for no reason and thinking hateful stuff. I yelled at myself last night for not being a very good Christian. That’s why I’m writing this today. To hopefully rebalance myself. And maybe some of y’all if you’re struggling too.
My preacher once said that God wants us to be a hot mess. He wants the broken people. If He does great things with a broken person, that truly shows the world the amazing things He can do.
So it’s okay that I’m feeling broken right now. It’s okay if you are too. God is working in my life. Good things will come soon. I don’t know much, but I know that is true.